


may angels lead you in

by thesecondsmile



Series: a tiny prayer to father time [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Major Illness, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, newlyweds, sadness and pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28992837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecondsmile/pseuds/thesecondsmile
Summary: Eight months.Eight, blissful months was all they got before Steve’s heart gave out.(Can be read as a standalone fic, but does follow 'love is watching someone die'.  If you do not want to be in great pain and sadness, you can just read the first fic in this series, and stay tuned for the third part which will have a happy ending, coming very soon!)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: a tiny prayer to father time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117595
Kudos: 21





	may angels lead you in

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title taken from 'Hear You Me' by Jimmy Eat World, which is the perfect accompaniment to this fic in my opinion and captures that raw, beautiful grief that I tried to write about. Other than that, the song I cannot recommend enough to listen to while reading this fic for the maximum experience is 'The End of the World' by the Carpenters.
> 
> Warning: Major Character Death, major angst, major crying and sadness and pain ahead.

Eight months.

Eight, blissful months was all they got before Steve’s heart gave out.

That beautiful heart, which was all Bucky had ever wanted in his life, buckled under the weight of all the love inside of it.

It had been sudden, in the way that only watching the love of your life gradually fade away could be at once the most agonisingly slow experience ever and yet be such that one moment, Steve was there and the next, he was gone.

It was one of those peaceful mornings that he had come to adore, when soft light would filter through the blinds to illuminate Steve’s golden hair and the world slowed to match the pace of their breaths. He had been lazing around in their shared bed, casually twirling the simple metal band that adorned his finger around. 

_ “Come back to bed Stevie, it’s hard to appreciate the view from so far away!”  _ He had called teasingly, grinning at the telltale blush that made its way up his pale skin. Steve turned to make a responding quip at him when his eyes rolled back into his head and Bucky’s world crashed down around him.

In the hospital waiting room, he had sworn up and down that he would do whatever he could to make sure Steve got through this. Prayed to every deity to just give him the chance to make things right. Begged for the power to keep Steve’s heart beating, even if that meant that his own would end. Standing alone in a dimly lit hallway, watching helplessly through the glass as the love of his life struggled to catch his next breath, fighting against the pressures of a world that would never stop trying to crush him. Bucky had never been a religious man, but at that moment, he swore that he would spend the rest of his days worshipping any power that gave him the chance to gaze on that sleepy face under mused hair in the comforts of their bed. As long as he got to continue to love Steve, he would do anything.

In the end, it hadn’t mattered. Steve’s laboured breathing had sluggishly ground to a stop, and with it, the best man Bucky had known. 

Everything in him had screamed, raged at the injustice of it all.  _ TAKE ME! Take me instead, you son of a bitch! Bring him back! (Please.)  _ When all the anger was finally wrung out of him, he broke down into sobs. Great heaving breaths stuttered out of him as he tried to understand how Steve could just be  _ gone _ . How the universe expected him to be able to fill the grand chasm that had split open in his chest when it let Steve slip through the cracks.

Wherever Steve was now, he hoped that he was happy and at peace. If there was any blessing in this situation, it would be that for once, Steve might be free from the pain Bucky had never quite been able to take from him.  _ I hope you can get to see your Ma again, Stevie. _

He had never believed in a heaven after death, because his perfect life was already right there with him, but he desperately hoped that there was one. That Steve’s golden heart and perfect soul had gotten the entire heavenly host to guide him up, to let him rest on cotton clouds and feel even just a slice of the bliss that he had brought to Bucky’s life.

Because Steve had loved life. Even when it seemed that everything around him was trying to tear him down from the inside out, when whatever cosmic joke had forced such a vibrant spirit into such a weak body that was tragically just not built for life, he had found joy in all the moments he could. And he had allowed Bucky along for the journey. Had let him see the beauty in every corner of the world and made him excited to see the rest of the world that made Steve smile so brilliantly.

As young boys, even when Steve would sometimes struggle to climb up the two flights of stairs to his apartment, they would dream about hiking up the Grand Canyon together. Two Brooklyn boys would go to explore the world together, leaving behind dirty alleyways and cruel bullies and money troubles. It didn’t matter that they would be sleeping in and out of run-down motels, eating gas station food, hitchhiking in strangers’ cars, as long as they were together. With his hand in Steve’s, he felt like he could conquer the world.

But now, with his beloved husband six feet in the ground, the only thing that he could hold on to was the lofty hope of a bright future rapidly falling through his fingers like quicksand. If he shouted into the Grand Canyon, the only response he would get would be the echo of his own voice. But maybe, just maybe, that was what he had to do.

In a raw and trembling voice, he looked up to the sky and spoke.

“Since you took all the stupid with you, I guess I’m just going to have to live for the both of us.”

He still didn’t understand how the world could be so bright when he had just lost his sun, but he thought that if he listened hard enough, he could hear Steve’s melodic laughter ringing out, carried by the rustling of the wind. If he looked close enough, he could still see the cheeky glint of Steve’s smile in the petals of the daisies dotting the field where they would sit as children. 

Eyes glistening with tears, he smiled despite the deep ache gripping his heart. Steve’s colour blindness meant that he hadn’t been able to see the cheerful yellow hearts of the bright flowers, so Bucky had tasked himself with describing the rainbow in the world around them. For twenty wonderful years, he had been the one to see colour for the both of them. Now, he just had to do that for a few more.

Eight months may have been all they had, but it was enough for a lifetime of memories.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm not crying, are you crying? (jk I'm totally crying)
> 
> This legitimately made me SO SAD TO WRITE and I was ugly sobbing my way through it (why do I do this to myself). But really, I think that there is such beauty to be found in the grief that you feel for someone you love beyond all words, because it brings into sharp focus all the joy that was also there previously. And my heart aches so much at the thought of Bucky fighting so hard to live for the both of them, and I hope you can see it too even through the pain.
> 
> So yes, I really hope I did such a difficult story justice even with how incredibly short this is — please let me know if you did enjoy it or if you were too busy weeping to read it properly!
> 
> I was so traumatised by this that even though I originally planned to end it right here, I just couldn't, so a happy ending is coming next week!


End file.
